Camping Adventure…From Hell


A couple of days ago I went on a camping adventure with my soon to be husband. He was so excited and had been planning it for weeks. He’s not much of a camper so I went along with it as long as it meant we’d be camping. I love camping. I was even a hiking director for a summer camp for two years so I have some experience with it.

We arrived at our camp site. This isn’t your typical camp site. It isn’t far from our home but I’d never camped there so I was pretty excited. This place is in the middle of a reserve, There isn’t any cell service and there isn’t a single person around for miles and miles…at least not normally. So again, we arrived at our camp site and there were two men already there. You could tell by the way they dressed that they were not from the area. Almost immediately one of the men wandered over and pleaded for a ride into town to get his car. They had plans to canoe the whole river, halfway through they realized their mistake.

Our jeep was still full with our supplies and I was motion sick from the ride in. I opted to stay behind but my significant other wasn’t very keen on leaving me alone in the woods with a strange man. I told him I was planning on going hiking anyway. I watched the jeep drive away and went in search of sunscreen before heading into the woods. Long story short it was in the jeep. So I went hiking anyway. How long could they possibly be gone? Several hours later I found myself waiting in the woods for the sound of our vehicle and my author brain was taking over. My dog and I were being eaten alive by black flies, horse flies and mosquitoes and there wasn’t even the slightest breeze. Finally Corey returned and drove us back to the camp site. By this time I was burnt to a crisp, dehydrated and working on the mother of all head aches.

I lathered up with some sunscreen, chugged a power aid and we went swimming. Swimming wasn’t any better as the section of river we were next to was barely two feet deep in every direction. So we decided to dry off and set up camp. This was when we discovered there was no firewood. My man was told by several people that bringing wood onto the reserve was illegal so we didn’t. Now we were at a camp site without wood and the biting flies were telling all there friends about  the buffet on Ramsy’s Ledge. Also I’m pretty sure the little bastards were addicted to deet because the bug spray had little to no effect. A fire would drive them away but the only wood we were finding were ten foot logs and rotten branches that had been cut several years ago. With a little help from our charcoal we got a smolder going. Just as we were getting ready for supper a line of trucks came by, honking and making a ruckus. We came to this spot to avoid all things ruckus! They off loaded their canoes and my fiance and I looked at the drunken group apprehensively. It looked like rescue mission number two was on the horizon. They left and we got supper started. During this time I was enjoying the setting sun and most of the flies had been driven off by our smoldering fire. There in the sky was a bald eagle. My first reaction was awe, then to grab my 15 lbs dog, then I went back to awe again. The majestic creature was circling over the river and we watched in wonder as he swooped down and grabbed something from the water. My fiance got quiet, looked at me and smirked before going back to cooking. I thought this was odd but not wanting to miss a thing I grabbed my glasses when another eagle started to circle. Then I looked at the river and realized it wasn’t fish on the menu, it was baby ducks. So much for majestic. More like cannibalistic, baby murderers.

The drunk canoeists arrived just as we started eating and they needed help reloading their canoes.  We sent them off with a big wave and went back to our cold meal. Then we had to find more smoldering firewood because as the sun was setting, the no see ums were coming out and I’m allergic to those little jerks. I covered up, head to toe with a hood on and the love of my life set up the evening activities of watching horror movies on my laptop. By this time the dog was outright refusing to come out of the jeep having lost most of his blood to parasitic flies from the gates of hell. I resisted the urge to join him because I didn’t want to spoil the evening. Just as we were getting settled in, it began to rain, which put out the smoldering fire. We moved our party into the back of the jeep where my man had set up an air mattress. My head was pounding out the rhythm to a Metallica song but we watched our movies. He fell instantly asleep but my head hurt and I was freezing probably because I had a mild case of sunstroke. Great, now I was going to die out here.

Two hours later the air mattress needed to be refilled and and hour after that I had to pee. I’m not scared of much but between me and a bear I’m pretty sure the bear would win so I waited until breaking point before climbing out of the jeep and into the rain for a third time. It was completely dark and thundering in the distance, there was a low fog resting just above the grass and an owl hooted from a nearby tree and I’d spent the night watching horror movies. Turning on the flashlight only made everything look like ghosts because of the fog and without the flashlight I was pretty sure I was going to be eaten by a bear. If there were a land speed record for a female peeing in the woods…I would have beat it by three seconds. Oh, I forgot the no see ums. For some reason in the twelve seconds it took me to pee the little monsters swarmed me. When I got back into the jeep I was covered with throbbing, itching bites all over my face, lips, eyes and neck.

I managed to pass out from blood loss and woke up again at 5:30 am. I’ve never woken up at 5:30 am without an alarm clock in my life. I woke up my sweet heart, climbed out of the jeep and into the rising sun. I stretched and smiled and lied for all I was worth. “This is great!”

“Babe, go look at your eyes.” He said.

I went and looked in the truck’s side mirror and gasped. Both of my eyes were swollen nearly shut and my entire face was spotted with angry red welts. Refusing to admit that this had been horrible I went back, sneezed in his face and hugged him. “This was so much fun.”

“Do you want to go home?” He asked.

“More than life.” I responded.

The ride out was more like an escape and halfway home we had to pull over so I could vomit on the side of the road.

We got home and the dog and I both got an anti-histamine for the fly bites. Then we slept until 2:00. Today the dog is still chewing at the fly bites but it looks like we’re going to make it. Moral of the story, never go into the great wilderness without wood, sunblock and black market fly dope.


Inspiration for Bad Larry and the Divorcee

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As with most of the books I write, I was inspired by events in my life. Bad Larry is basically about a recent divorcee that adopts a dog that hates men. I myself have never owned a man hating dog but up until recently I did own a pair of Dobermans. I’d gotten the dogs when I was with my ex-boyfriend of 6 years and when the relationship ended, the dogs were the only thing I took with me, besides my clothes. Though the animals in question were very well trained and sweet, I used people’s assumption of the breed to keep me safe and to keep them (men) at a distance.

I was on a mission, you see. Upon the breakup I realized that I’d never been alone and at that point in my life I was far happier alone than with anyone. So I promised myself that I would be single for at least a year before dating anyone. This was a harder task than I expected since a friend of mine was hell bent on hooking me up with every eligible male in the thirty mile radius. So we’d go out and I’d only find out afterwards that she’d arranged for men to meet up with us. I’d politely accept their company for the evening but never had any plans of seeing them again or bringing them home. For this not so smooth let down I would simply tell them that I had two Dobermans that didn’t like strangers. I found that a man’s sex drive drops considerably at the thought of being violently torn limb from limb by a pair of blood thirsty dogs.


As with most things in life, I began to heal and I realized my prior relationship had been over for far longer than the 8 months since I’d finally moved out. Then, I met Mr. Right. The timing was off by four months but I told myself to give him a chance to screw things up by himself. So I set him up to fail. After a few dates, when he still hadn’t managed to mess up despite my wishing for him to do so, I invited him over to watch a movie and meet the dogs. His first reaction to having a pair of giddy Doberman Pinschers trot up to him and stick their noses in his crotch was what one might expect as he pressed himself against the wall and squelched the look of terror on his face. This may or may not have been my fault since I’d never actually told him the dogs were so sweet they were practically made of sugar. I’d done this intentionally as I wasn’t sure yet if he passed my barrage of tests.


My biggest test came when after dating for only a couple more weeks I asked him to baby sit the dogs for four days while I visited a friend out of town. Within hours he called me in a panic. The dogs had eaten a bunch of bananas (and he didn’t know if bananas killed dogs) when he had gone into town to pay my electric bill…that I’d forgotten to. In my defense I really had intended to pay said bill before leaving town but it slipped my mind. I remember the mortification that came over me at the thought that if he were testing me as harshly as I was testing him, he’d probably realize that my fruit stealing dogs and I might not be worth the effort.

I assured him that this was a frequent occurrence and the dogs would be fine. Then I admitted my whole plan of setting him up to fail. That I didn’t know how or why he’d lasted this long and that the money I’d left on my dresser was yet another test. He laughed at my weak admission because he’d known what I was up to all along. Then he admitted how scared he had been to babysit because he’d never had a dog before but he was willing to try if it meant getting on my good side. He told me he knew he had to impress the dogs if he ever intended on impressing me.


The rest, as they say is history. Eight years later, I am still waiting for Mr. Right to mess up but I don’t think that’s going to happen. So, despite the fact that I’m being forced to wear a dress and take pictures, we’re getting married in the fall. He managed to pass every test we ever put him against. He has the patience of a saint and quietly tolerated two large dogs sharing our bed, eating our bananas and politely ignoring every command he gave them. We went through the ringer together, surviving natural disaster, job loss, a near drowning and eventually the loss of both our cherished dogs but we came out in the end better for it.

Also some of you have probably already seen this but for those of you who haven’t I will be donating 10% of my profits from Bad Larry and the Divorcee to animal rescue. For updates on this and my upcoming releases please revisit my blog.

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Riya’s divorce gift to herself is to adopt a dog. Bad Larry and Riya meet at an animal shelter and quickly bond over their mutual hatred of men. Riya promises the little dog that she’ll never let anything bad happen to him again, if he promises to make it hard for her to bring any men back to her apartment, in a moment of weakness.

Jaden is investigating the murder of one of Riya’s high school classmates and after a strange first encounter in a public bathroom, he asks her out. She shoots him down but he’s determined to get to know her better, despite her warnings of owning a dangerous, man-hating dog.

Riya has no choice but to let Jaden into her life when she starts getting threatening letters from the killer but are she and Bad Larry ready to give Jaden an honest shot?

Free Excerpt: A Succubus’ Guide to Gold Digging

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My name is Madison Knowles, not of the Beyoncé clan, and I live what many would call a charmed life.

First off, I am a Succubus. For those of you who are unsure what exactly a Succubus is, the short description is a sex demon. Succubae need to feed off the lust of men to survive. In exchange for this unfortunate situation, I also have the power of persuasion. When I work my magic, I can convince men to do small requests that work to my benefit. The more intimate a Succubus’s relationship, the stronger their mojo works on that man.

It doesn’t always have to be, though. I once convinced a health teacher to do a strip tease while lecturing on the importance of safe sex. I was only thirteen at the time and didn’t really take into account the consequences of my actions, but said teacher retired well on what my mother paid him to keep his mouth shut.

I live in a Manhattan townhouse that someone else pays for, and I haven’t opened a door for myself in almost six years. It’s a little game I play to keep my persuasion skills in top form, though I’m hardly eating Ramen and shopping for shoes at the Goodwill.

My mother is the gold digger. We aren’t prostitutes or black widows. Prostitutes don’t like the commitment involved in the whole con game. And the black widows… well, they aren’t in it for the money—they just have a habit of killing their husbands for the fun of it.

The definition of gold diggers has changed slightly over the years since the increasing popularity of prenuptial agreements, but that was nothing a good old-fashioned funeral couldn’t solve.

My mother’s made quite a good living from marrying rich old men. The men constantly changed, but it’s always been Mother and I. And despite the fact that I refuse to take up the family business, she pays most of my bills and allows me to flitter through life on dreams of romance while I work at getting my long-term boyfriend to propose without using magic.

Mother had recently buried Larry number two—also known as her fifth “husband”—and she liked to use her time of mourning as an excuse to get a little work done so she could snag her next spouse. She promised me she’d eventually retire, but the truth was, my mother truly enjoyed her chosen vocation. She relished the thrill of the chase and walking down the aisle more than anyone else I knew. She loved it almost as much as she loved funerals and a lawyer reading wills.

I was a fifth-generation gold digger, coming from a long line of Succubae, but since the first time I saw The Notebook at nineteen, I proclaimed I would never marry for money. I would only marry for love.

Mother didn’t do love. She went as far as to claim that Succubae were never intended to fall in love. She’d always accepted that fact rather than dwell on it, and she’d followed in her mother’s footsteps and became a professional gold digger. A very, very successful one at that. Her mother was a gold digger, and hers before that. Over the generations of practice and training, they’d managed to perfect the art of marrying men who were doomed to kick the bucket of natural causes. Said doomed bucket-kicking usually happened during some creative foreplay.

I’d always been very different from the other women in my family, and my mother—our current, unofficial matriarch—had always taken this with a surprising level of grace and acceptance. Growing up, I retained just enough of my mother’s relentless Succubus training to get by. Any additional information, like the fine art of bagging someone off the Fortune 500 list, I quickly learned to tune out and shrug off. I couldn’t change the fact that I was a Succubus, but I could refuse to be a gold digger.

Things were absolutely perfect in my life until last week, when my entire existence started to crumble and I lost every preconceived notion of who I was and where my life was headed.

It all started last Tuesday when I was meeting my mother for our biweekly luncheon. If I made it sound like a business meeting, that’s because it was. Our scheduled mother-daughter time invovled more business than a UN conference. We went over the basics. We’d give a brief description of the highs and lows of our lives. She’d bring up finances, we’d talk fleetingly about her current “husband” and his most recent “health issues,” and then she’d cut me a big fat check, just for being her offspring. Afterward, we’d finish off by saying our farewells and schedule our next appointment.

But last Tuesday’s was a little different. Just before the standard air kisses and right after she grabbed the waiter’s ass, she sprang the news on me: she was in love and was getting vaginal reconstructive surgery as a birthday gift for her new man.

The reconstructive surgery wasn’t the problem—Mother had more plastic parts than Barbie. No, the problem was the fact that my mother was in love.

Mother announced her surgery, went under the knife on the day after our lunch-date, and promptly died in a freak accident when a morphine-gluttonous nurse replaced my mother’s pain medication with Tylenol, which she was deathly allergic to. So the only constant in my life—my mother—was suddenly gone forever without warning.


I spent the next few days in a depressed fog, planning my mother’s funeral. Maybe if I’d been more mindful, I would have noticed the pregnant woman stalking me throughout New York City.

That Sunday, I attended the funeral dressed in my mother’s favorite black Gucci dress, salt water pearls, and gorgeous Jimmy Choo platform stilettos in her favorite shade of purple. It was her signature move. Da Vinci liked to hide secrets in his works of art, and my mother liked to wear purple shoes to funerals. So this was only fitting.

There I sat in the front pew next to Timmy, my devoted, loving, future husband.

When I first met Timmy, nearly four years earlier, I was a recent graduate of the University of All Things Fun in Hawaii and he was a middle-aged tourist soaking up the sun on the beach, in the middle of a Manhattan winter. We hit it off and discovered we both lived in New York. We instantly fell in love, and from that moment forward, I was lost in our budding romance.

As of the last six months or so, I’d also begun subtly dropping the marriage bomb like he was Hiroshima and I was the United States Air Force. Unfortunately, up to this point, he wasn’t biting, but I figured if I gave him enough time, he’d come around. We were in love, after all, and I had the 2.3 karat diamond promise ring to prove it, or at least placate me in the meantime.

Then suddenly, in the middle of my beloved mother’s funeral, in waddled a seriously pregnant woman, pointing a large gunthat I was a homewrecker. This was news to me, but I let her have the floor until someone bothered to call the police.

Monica, Timmy’s self-proclaimed wife of ten years, quickly informed me he owned another townhouse in Manhattan and had a cocker spaniel named Roland, two children, and a baby on the way. This seemed to be pretty specific for a delusion, but what did I know about such things? Sure, he never wore a ring, but that seemed of little consequence at this point in Monica’s speech, because I suddenly found myself staring down at his neatly folded hands as if one should suddenly appear. I was starting to doubt my own reality as I counted up the business trips and excuses in my head.

She stood in front of my mother’s casket, waving the gun like it was a Fourth of July sparkler with one hand, while gripping her swollen stomach with her other. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying, but they held a level of crazy that could not be matched by anything but an enraged, hormonal bull shark. I sat quietly while she announced in a very shrill, out-of-control voice that I was a slut and I’d used my vagina to lure poor Timmy away from his loving family with my Succubus ways.

I was hoping her Succubus comment was pure luck and not the outstanding efforts of a well-paid private detective.

Then, just as she stepped up to me and Timmy, she doubled over in obvious pain, and water gushed forth from beneath her skirt and splashed onto the floor below her with an audible splash. I raised my eyebrows in surprise. I’d always imagined what you saw on television was an exaggeration of real life, but I’d been wrong, very wrong.

I just sat there in stunned silence, trying to control my gag reflex while lifting my beautiful shoes away from the oncoming wave of bodily fluids. She she gripped her belly with both hands, forgetting one was locked around a loaded weapon, and then bam! A searing pain tore into my right shoulder, and I too went down into a heap on the floor and directly into the puddle of what I’m choosing to refer to as baby water.

My beloved Timmy dove for his laboring wife, while I lay in a forgotten heap on the church floor, bleeding from a gunshot wound.

I knew in that moment that Monica wasn’t just some deranged pregnant woman.  She really was Timmy’s wife and I really was a home wrecker—an accidental home wrecker, but a home wrecker nonetheless.

My mother was right: Succubae can’t be loved. We were lusted after and sometimes that felt like love, but it never was.




So, here I was, a week later, and I was mercilessly out of the hospital. I was a new woman. I’d lost a lot of blood. I would have a gross scar for about a month that would prevent me from wearing any strapless dresses until my Succubus magic took over and healed it to smooth perfection. And I now had a very drained EMT in Succubus lust with me who was now following me around town like I was a goddess. I’d needed to feed on the way to the hospital and he just happened to be the closest thing to a Succubus Happy Meal as I was going to be able to get in the back of an ambulance.

During my lengthy stay at Mid-Coast Medical Center, I found myself thinking back to the day of my mother’s funeral over and over again. During that time, I came to terms with the sad truth of my predicament. My mother was dead, and I had to move out of Timmy’s townhouse, and pride dictated I also return the car, the clothes, and the ring… well, maybe not the ring.

I was currently headed to my mother’s reading of the will, my hair and nails were perfect, and I was driving my mother’s favorite Mercedes like I stole it, because I kind of did. But it was about to become mine anyway, so I didn’t see the harm in barrowing it until then.

I walked into the Nicklestein Law Offices and barely gave the receptionist a second glance before entering Nicklestein’s office and sitting down with a huff of irritation. After a moment I realized I wasn’t the only one on this side of the desk, and I turned a dangerous expression on the young man sitting beside me. He was well dressed, his hair perfectly coiffed, and he was wearing a smug smile that put me instantly on edge.

“Who are you?” I snapped.

He offered me his hand, but it was Nicklestein who took the liberty of answering the uncomfortable question.

“This is Baylor Simons. He was your mother’s latest husband.”

“And you must be the little minx who is driving my car,” Baylor said in a faux English accent that made my skin crawl.

Without missing a beat, I turned up my nose and faced Nicklestein again. “I would like this man removed immediately. He is a fraud. He is not my mother’s husband. She would have told me if she were thinking of remarrying,” I said definitively.

I looked back as I said fraud, but he was still smiling like a shark and playing with what had to be the ugliest necklace I’d ever seen. “Oh, love, she wanted to tell you, but it happened so soon after the loss of her last husband that she thought people would think she was cheap and easy.”

I felt my expression darken at his barely veiled insult. My mother may have been easy, but she was never cheap. I pursed my lips and faced Nicklestein’s desk again. I’d been to a few of these things, and I was not going to play the role of the victim. I don’t even remember how many self-entitled offspring of rich fathers my mother had swindled out of their “rightful inheritance,” and I was not going to be that cliché. There was more than enough money to go around. I knew for a fact that my mother had millions in the bank and she would not leave me penniless. That kind of money was probably more than this cougar-hunter would know what to do with. I wondered briefly how many cheap, ugly necklaces he could possibly buy before I realized Nicklestein was talking.

“The full amount of seven million, three hundred ninety-three dollars and forty-seven cents will go to my husband, Baylor Simons. To my daughter I bequeath my favorite black Gucci dress, my saltwater pearls, and my purple platform stilettos.”

I looked down at the shoes I was already wearing. “What about the house!” I shrieked.

They both blinked at me like I was batshit crazy. Nicklestein cleared his throat. “I’ve already said the house and all her possessions will go to Mr. Simons, as well as her savings.”

“But I live there!” I shouted. Reality was quickly crashing down and I was hoping it was all a nightmare. After moving out of Timmy’s townhouse and leaving behind everything he’d ever given me, which in truth was almost everything I had, I moved myself into my mother’s guesthouse. I’d been wearing her clothes until I could buy my own. After all, I never imagined everything wouldn’t be mine by the end of the week, anyway. I was simply living in the guesthouse as a matter of politeness until all legal documents were signed.

“Not anymore, love,” Baylor announced proudly. “Also, I have a paper here for you… I believe they call it a cease of entry order, and if you are seen on my property again, you will be promptly arrested.

I stood and turned to face him, all thought of pride and holding back knee-jerk responses out of my head. “Why you son of a….”

“Whore?” he added quietly.

My pulse was pounding in my ears and I was breathing erratically, but even through the haze of my rage, I realized what had happened. He was an Incubus, the male offspring of a Succubus.

Succubae were rarely interested in their male young, and in the recent past, it was common practice to abandon them for their human fathers to raise. It could be messy, but we were a strongly matriarchal race and have been for millennia. The accounts of the Amazon woman warriors were derived from stories of Succubae living in tribes together, before little things like woman’s rights and certain domestic bylaws were actually enforced.

Incubi were renowned for their hatred of Succubae—it ran deep—and they are well known for taking revenge on our race, whether or not we were personally responsible for dumping a male child.

Succubae are stronger than Incubi. Incubi were never more than half demon, while Succubae were always 100 percent Succubae. It’s like a genetic trait passed down from female to female. We, unlike our male counterparts, were trained on how to control our gifts from an early age, but since waking up in the hospital, I hadn’t been able to do anything of use with my persuasive magic. I couldn’t even get out of the traffic ticket I’d gotten on the way here, and I broke my six-year-long door-opening record on the way in. My mojo was off, and when I normally would have had the stuff to knock this guy to his knees, at this point I didn’t have enough spark in me to light a birthday candle… and for some reason, he knew it.

He looked me over slowly as I straightened my stolen pantsuit. “You can keep that one, on the house, love. I’d hate to see you walk out of here naked. I know that’s how you make your living and all, but maybe not on the streets of Manhattan. This place is a little out of your league.”

I looked to my mother’s longtime lawyer for backup. What I got was a blank, uncaring stare. This was reality. Nicklestein wasn’t going to come to my aid. He was the type of lawyer who didn’t ask questions about things like my mother’s many marriages as long as he got his cut of the profits. He certainly didn’t care about a spoiled little socialite who just found out her well was dry.

As if reading my thoughts he cleared his throat. “Ms. Knowles, may I ask that you leave us so that we may finish going over the private information pertaining to your mother’s husband’s inheritance?” He said all of this with about as much emotion as one would use when ordering a salad with dressing on the side.